Before we can have great relationships with others, we must first have a great relationship with ourselves.
Visit Taquila Coleman today for her perspective on relationships. She always shares great video insights.
In the meantime, pull your ear buds out long enough to put these iDEAS into your relationships.
- Rescue yourself. Don’t expect your mate to solve the financial problems you created. It is up to YOU to get yourself out of whatever messes you create in your life. While you should choose a supportive mate, don’t expect them to rescue you from yourself.
weLast: I ran into some tough times a while ago, it’s going to take some time to dig myself out.
iAmAlone: I am so glad you came into my life. I need help paying my bills, I am so behind. Thanks for rescuing me.
2. Provide for yourself. If you want something, don’t expect your mate to provide it for you. Buy it yourself. If it’s furs, diamonds, money, whatever – sugar daddies and sugar mammas only provide until they get tired of providing. Being a user is a sure-fire way to be alone.
weLast: I’m saving up to go to Jamaica. I’ve always wanted to go on a trip like that. Do you want to go?
iAmAlone: If you loved me, you would buy me that new…. You’re supposed to buy me things that make me happy.
3. Forgive transgressions. Unless you are perfect yourself. Whenever there is a problem in the relationship, deal with it and then move on. Don’t bring up something that happened 5 years ago. It should have been resolved 5 years ago. The past cannot be changed. That doesn’t mean that you should allow your mate to repeat hurtful behaviors, either.
Decide which behaviors are deal breakers (for instance, cheating) and deal with them. If you decide to remain in the relationship, then leave it alone.
weLast: Look, that was in the past and we can’t change it. It really hurt me but let’s move on. Don’t do it again, however.
iAmAlone: You did the same thing 5 years ago. Don’t apologize, that’s not going to change anything. I am still mad about that and I’m not going to get over it, no matter what you do.
4. Don’t create issues that don’t exist. How many people break up over imagined problems? A text message from a supervisor of the opposite sex becomes a sordid lustful affair. A Facebook friend request from their high-school prom date means they are leaving you. There are real signs of cheating, but don’t mix them up with the imaginary ones.
My grandmother used to say, “if you look for the devil, you’re gonna find him.”
weLast: Doesn’t snoop on Facebook, e-mail or phone so wouldn’t know about it anyway.
iAmAlone: I saw that you had a friend request from your old high school flame. I know you guys are still seeing each other. I can’t believe you are cheating.
5. Give them room to breathe. My neighbor was stunned that my husband “allowed” me to visit a high-school friend in Kansas without taking him. What was he going to do at a hen party? Your mate should not have to beg to play golf, hang out with friends, or buy something that they want. If they don’t spend enough time with you, then work it out. If they spend more money than you can afford, then work it out, but stop smothering your mate.
weLast: I don’t have a problem with you hanging out with your friends, but don’t forget about me.
iAmAlone: No, you can’t go golfing, or fishing, or hang out with anyone but me. You are only supposed to have fun with me.
6. Stop trying to manipulate and control. Human beings have dignity, part of which is feeling in control of their own lives. We all want freedom to make our own decisions. You cannot control other people; you cannot motivate them or make them do things that they don’t want to do – stop trying, it is futile. When pushed, people will always push back in the opposite direction.
weLast: I see your point, but when you do that, I feel bad. Can we find a way that will keep both of us happy?
iAmAlone: If you don’t do this, I’m leaving. If you don’t do that, I’m taking the kids. I can stop you from…
7. Leave your baggage at the airport. Your new mate is not your ex. (yet.) Don’t assume that your new mate will do the same thing to you that your ex did. If all your exes acted alike, you need to do something different. Leave past relationships out of the present one. Give yourself some healing time before entering a new relationship – this is why rebounds seldom work.
weLast: My last relationship ended badly but that’s not you. I want to start out with a clean slate.
iAmAlone: My last mate cheated, it’s just a matter of time before you cheat. Everyone cheats on me. You’re no different.
8. Accept your mate. So many people get into relationships and then try to mold the other person into something else. If the person isn’t what you want, then move on. Read my post on relationships that fit.
weLast: You have your own style. Please keep doing you and don’t ever change.
iAmAlone: Why don’t you dress better? Why can’t you get a better job? You have no class…
9. Laugh. This is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Laugh, have a good time, enjoy one another. Every time my husband tracks footprints across my white carpet, I use the Bible quote from the beginning of this post, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper for him..” Gets a laugh every time and gets him to shampoo the carpet.
weLast: Where is the humor in this?
iAmAlone: Nag, nag, nag….
10. Be grateful. It is not good to be alone.
On December 4th I will celebrate my 30 year wedding anniversary. I think I made it happily to weLast. Hope you make it, too.
Post a comment with your ideas. I’d love to hear them.