I do not participate in what I call celebrity voyeurism – the fascination with the struggles of the rich and famous. They are human, too and deserve our admiration while on stage and our respect offstage.
Living in the United States, however, it is nearly impossible to avoid celebrity gossip entirely. It seems that the media spends more time spotlighting celebrity hardships than they do talent. Unfortunately, tragedy sells more than talent.
Such was the case with the late Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston and such is the case with Demi Moore and her recent difficulties.
I loathe highlighting the very personal struggles of very public people. I wish that we could simply enjoy our entertainers for the joy their performances give us and allow them to work through private issues in private.
Having said that, when I read a statement from Demi Moore stating that she felt unlovable, tears welled up in my eyes.
This article is in support of Ms. Moore and others who feel the same way.
I’ve been there and it’s such a dark place to be.
Ms. Moore is currently receiving treatment from Deepak Chopra. I hope she is able to learn how truly lovable she is.
If you are in that dark place right now, there is a way out.
- Love yourself.
- You are in control.
- Define yourself.
- You are already perfect.
- Get help if you still can’t find the light.
It is self-talk (what you say to yourself when no one is around) that is the basis of self-acceptance. Because self-talk is totally inside your own head, your own thoughts, it is totally within your control.
Make up your mind to STOP talking badly about yourself. Make a list of your good qualities and commit them to memory. When you find your self-talk drifting toward the negative, IMMEDIATELY begin to recite your list.
Find lots of evidence to back up your list. In Ms. Moore’s case, this evidence can be found in fan mail, magazine articles (the picture of her pregnant was simply stunning) and through social media. Accept that this evidence is true. YOU control what information you accept as the truth, so why not accept positive information about yourself?
Filter out any negative evidence. Anything that is said about you that contradicts your wonderfulness. You have the choice to reject this if you choose. It is not good for you, so become allergic to it.
YOU ARE IN CONTROL
Miss Moore also stated to Harper’s Bazaar, “what scares me the most is not knowing; and accepting that just about everything is not in my control. That makes me feel unsafe.”
Feeling that life is out of control makes us feel unsure, insecure and as Ms. Moore stated, unsafe. The truth is that we are in total control of our lives but we cannot ever control others.
You can redefine yourself any time you choose, by DECIDING to do something about your current state. You must first decide what you want and visualize it. Turn it into a goal, and then move toward it.
You also must not misinterpret your inability to control others as a lack of control over your own life. You must learn to define yourself independently of others. Although you may be married, you are still a valuable person independent of your spouse. Although you may be a parent, you have value outside of your children.
Other people do things for their own reasons, not yours. If you define your self-worth based on your relationship with other people, you devalue yourself. You are lovable by yourself.
You cannot force your husband not to cheat (because you cannot control him or his actions.) But you can decide the affect that his cheating will have on you. You can CHOOSE not to allow it to destroy you or define you.
His cheating has nothing to do with your worthiness as a person or your lovability. His cheating has to do with HIM and the choices HE has made. HE cheated for HIS reasons, not yours.
I am not suggesting that discovering that your spouse has cheated is not emotionally devastating. It is extremely painful. But it does not define your worthiness as a person or as a lover. Cheating defines them, not you.
Never allow yourself to accept the blame for your spouse’s cheating. If you had been sexier, prettier, more loving, etc. Realize that these conditions are used as justification for their wrongdoing. Do not accept their indictment of you as gospel.
Once you begin to focus your energy on controlling your emotional reactions to a situation rather than attempting to control the behavior of others, you will find that you truly DO have control over your life. Your life is defined by who YOU are, not by who you associate with.
This realization will empower you. You will no longer feel afraid and you will be able to walk through life with confidence.
Many of us are in the habit of taking someone else’s definition of us over our own opinion. What makes someone else an expert on how you are? Don’t you know yourself better than anyone else? Then why do we give others so much credence?
When a spouse cheats and are caught, they often resort to defending their own actions by tearing you down. YOU DON’T HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS.
You are in control of whatever you put into your mind. It is not your fault when someone else chooses to hurt you. Don’t accept the blame. It is their fault because it was their choice; it has nothing to do with your own worthiness.
My favorite technique for stopping negative comments from outsiders is to respond with, “no I’m not.” This creates a wall around any assessment of me that I don’t like. My fellow blogger, Joyce Fields calls it the force-field.
I know the pain of emotional abuse, being ripped apart by people who are supposed to love you. This can make you question your own lovability, but always remember that THEY are the ones with the problem, not you.
YOU ARE PERFECT
I challenge the belief that no one is perfect.
Everybody’s perfect. Everyone is a perfect them.
You look like a perfect you, whether your nose is crooked, you are missing teeth or you have a few tiny lines and wrinkles.
You speak like a perfect you, you walk like a perfect you, you think like a perfect you. You are already perfect. A perfect you. Exactly the you that you were designed to be.
We spend most of our lives COMPARING ourselves with others. This is even more evident in the superficial world of celebrity.
“I wish I looked like Halle Berry.” Why? You look like you, that’s how you are supposed to look. Halle Berry looks like she is supposed to look.
When we base ourselves on others, we set ourselves up for frustration. I will never look like Ms. Berry, but by the same token, she will never look like me. We are supposed to look like what we look like, not what someone else looks like. Who defines beauty anyway?
Does accepting your perfection mean not striving to better yourself?
You always strive to perfect yourself AS YOU. If you have been blessed with a talent (and we all have), by all means develop that talent. Practice that talent, perfect it. That was a gift to you for you. It is what makes you who you are.
We are designed to constantly grow, but grow into what we are, not what someone else is or what someone else defines us as.
As members of this society, we are like parts of the body. Each of us has a purpose and a function. Each part contributes to the way the body performs. We must learn to see our role in society, appreciate its worth and keep it fine-tuned and perfected.
As I say many times in this blog, I am not a mental health professional. Mental Health Food is merely over the counter medicine.
If symptoms persist, see professional help.
You are lovable.
My prayers go out to Ms. Moore and her speedy recovery. You truly are lovable. We at Mental Health Food love you.
DO YOU KNOW OF A POSITIVE BLOG THAT I CAN INCLUDE HERE?
LET ME KNOW ON FACEBOOK.
- Relationships that Fit (living4bliss.wordpress.com)
- Demi Moore Seeking Treatment for Stress (abcnews.go.com)
- Monday Miracle What You are Worth (anitaanswersadvice.wordpress.com)
- Popularity (clownponders.wordpress.com)
- Dealing with Insecurity (taquilacoleman.com)
- Premeditated Impulsivity (eitheory.com)
- Emotional Wound Care (eitheory.com)
- Erect Your Own Private Force Field (lineofserenity.wordpress.com)
- Demi Moore–Not Worthy of Love? (celebs.gather.com)
BLACK HISTORY MONTH CONTEST:
In honor of Black History Month, I will share with you the list of the 21 African-Americans who influenced me the most in addition to my regular blog posts.
The first person to guess who #1 will be will receive a FREE Purpose Driven Woman Boot Camp courtesy of Taquila Coleman (a $47 value.) Simply post your guess in the comments section. Include your Facebook page, web page or twitter name and I will give you a shout out – right or wrong.
13. James Weldon Johnson
14. Malcolm X
15. Sidney Poitier
16. Oprah Winfrey
17. Paul Laurence Dunbar
18. Maya Angelou
19. Langston Hughes
20. Nikki Giovanni
21. Marian Anderson
WHO DO YOU THINK WILL BE #1?
IF YOU ARE CORRECT, YOU WILL WIN A FREE PURPOSE DRIVEN WOMAN BOOT CAMP.